The novel challenge – Chapter III


The reception for the first two chapters has been very positive and encouraging. A big thanks to everyone who’s stuck around and sent me their comments! Here’s the third chapter of the instalment. Please share it with friends if you like it so that I can reach a wider audience and get more feedback in the process!

The Proposition

Vikram couldn’t get himself to fall asleep. A lot had happened that day. He had landed a new job, met a being from another planet, and most importantly, had prevented himself from making the biggest mistake of his life – making a chef the protagonist of his impending bestseller. The market was obviously ripe for the epic saga of a stranded alien with amnesia, fighting his way back to his home planet against the odds. He was surprised he hadn’t thought of it earlier. Even though Caesar had been very mysterious about what his actual duties would be, Vikram couldn’t wait for the next morning.

He was jarred out of his thoughts by the loud cry of the doorbell, followed by a deluge of impatient knocks. It could only be that infernal interfering neighbour of his, coming to complain about his exercising in the midnight again, Vikram thought. His indignation grew in harmony with the knocking and he opened the door determined to give the man a piece of his mind.

“It’s not even exercise night, you ignorant…” Vikram began.

“Hello Vikram. We need to talk. Can I come in?” Caesar said.

“Uh…sure. Please come in, Caesar.” Vikram said.

Caesar made his way into the drawing room and sat on the sofa. The room, like the entire house, screamed bachelor-pad from every upturned cushion and dirt laced window. It was minimally furnished with the bachelor’s essentials – a recliner, a beanbag, a large television screen and a table to place the junk food on (there were three empty pizza boxes containing the remnants of a thick chewy crust lying on top).

“Please excuse my tone back there, Caesar. I thought you were someone else.” Vikram apologised as he plonked himself on the beanbag.

“It’s all right. I must apologize too – for paying you a visit at this late hour. But I had no choice. I have to talk to you about something that I cannot bring up when Morphy is lurking around.”

“Go on. I’m listening.” said Vikram, intrigued.

“That alien is my chance at redemption, Vikram.”

Caesar paused for dramatic effect.

“Uh…redemption?” Vikram asked.

“I have to get back at Lily and show to her that I have the skills to run a successful restaurant. Do you know what I did the day the review was published?” Caesar asked with clenched teeth.

“Cried yourself to sleep?” ventured Vikram.

“I fired my entire staff.”

“Okay. A tad harsh, perhaps?”

“How was I to know that I wouldn’t be able to hire any replacements? Every chef in the city I’ve approached since, has refused to join my restaurant for the wages I can offer them. And believe me, I’ve approached everybody. Even the guy who listed baking Lego doughnuts as his speciality. I was about to shut shop and resort to adopting a writing career, when I found my saviour.”

“Now look here Caesar, I don’t know what you overheard in the afternoon, but my skills are kinda limited to boiling eggs and microwaving…”

“I meant Morphy.”

“Oh. Right. He cooks well, does he?”

“What? I don’t know. I mean…it doesn’t matter. That’s not what I meant! Just hear me out, will you?”

Vikram looked a bit hurt by Caesar’s tone. Caesar took a moment to regroup and continued.

“You see Vikram, that crash I heard that night – it wasn’t just the sound of an alien spacecraft crash-landing.”

“It wasn’t? I thought you just said it was!”

“It was also the sound of opportunity knocking, Vikram. Opportunity.” Caesar added with a glint in his eyes. It was hard to tell whether it was the glint of a person with a dream in his heart, or of a maniac with homicide on his mind.

“Oh. I see what you did there. Metaphors – such tricky little devils they can be.” Vikram chose to play it safe until he figured out which one it was.

“Do you know how many alien encounters Earth has had in its entire existence, Vikram?”

“None! That’s how many.” Caesar announced emphatically before Vikram could take a stab at it.

Vikram did know the answer to this one – his favourite cartoon strip had carried a series of gags on that last week. He had been amused to learn that the people of Earth had suspected alien handiwork in the creation of the Stonehenge, Easter Island and someplace called Area 51. This had of course been debunked a couple of decades ago – they were just elaborate hoaxes planted by the Mermaids. They were notorious for this kind of humour, and also, they lived for hundreds of years and got bored very easily.

“I could have told the government about Morphy. But what would that get me? A firm handshake from the President’s secretary? No, I knew that someone would be willing to pay through their nose for a genuine certified alien in relatively mint condition. And that’s when I decided to approach the biggest gangster in the city – Michael Smith a.k.a. KorqueScrew. Getting to him wasn’t easy either – I now owe a lot of shady people a lot of shady favours. KorqueScrew jumped at the chance and I’ve negotiated a deal with him that will help put my restaurant back on the culinary map. He’s promised me a lot of money. A lot. Not only that, he’s guaranteed me that he’ll convince any chef I want, to join my restaurant’s staff.”

“You’ve sold Morphy to the Mafia? But what would they do with him? To him?”

“He seemed to be torn between having his scientists perform medical experiments on him, and adopting him as the alien son he never had. I believe having him stuffed and mounted over his fireplace was also an option in the running. Ah well, who really cares?”

“But how can you do that to him?” Vikram asked incredulously.

“What? Do you think that alien wasn’t planning to do something similar to us? He’s not our friend, Vikram. Why else would he have instructions to prevent being detected at any cost? It’s just dumb luck that he lost his memory and couldn’t remember what he was actually sent here for, otherwise we’d all be enslaved and having our cavities probed by prickly little things at this point. Do you want to let them do that to us once he regains his memory? Is that the kind of world you want to leave your children?”

“I still don’t understand why you’re telling me this, Caesar. What does this have to do with me?”

“I like how you get straight to the point Vikram. Very admirable trait. Very.” Caesar moved closer and lowered his voice for effect.

“I want you to do the exchange for me.”

“The exchange?”

“I want you to help me immobilize Morphy and then go and deliver him to KorqueScrew’s people in return for the money. And a written IOU for the chef-convincing. There’ll be a hefty monetary reward waiting for you when the deed is done.”

“Why don’t you do it yourself?”

“I’m a prominent restaurateur Vikram. I was voted ‘Most likely to be yelled at by a celebrity chef in a reality show’ at college. Imagine what’ll happen to my reputation if word gets out of my involvement with the Mafia. I can’t afford to take the risk.”

“I don’t think I’d want to be involved either. It sounds dangerous and I don’t like the idea of throwing Morphy under the proverbial bus for money.”

“You’re a writer, aren’t you Vikram?”

“Yes. How’d you know? Have you read my line of coloring books?”

“The guy you approached earlier to hire a chef from, called and warned every restaurant in the neighbourhood about you.”

“What a grouch!”

“Do you know what’s common between the last four books on the NYT bestsellers list? They were all crime novels. And for a writer who likes to get under the skin of the character, this would be an opportunity of a lifetime. Picture this – you reach the drop-off point in the dark of the night in a…in a?”

“Auto-rickshaw.”

“You reach the drop-off point in the dark of the night in my pickup-truck. Maybe it’s been raining. Maybe it skids on the puddle as you screech it to a halt. You gesture his henchmen to take Morphy’s limp drugged body from the back. You take the briefcases of cash from KorqueScrew. Maybe you smile at him. Maybe he smiles back. Maybe you become friends. Maybe he invites you to one of his famous parties later. Maybe you meet all his Mafia buddies there. Maybe you get in their inner circle. Maybe they give you an in-depth account of their lives, their crimes, their escapes, their triumphs, their failures. You’ll be so deep in the skin of a criminal that it’ll take a very fine pair of tweezers to get you out. Can you see it? Can you afford to lose such an opportunity? Will you?”

Vikram had a dazed look on his face. Caesar did paint a very vivid and enticing picture.

“It’s getting very late, Vikram.” Caesar said as he looked down at his watch. “Why don’t you sleep on it and let me know?”

Vikram nodded instinctively and followed Caesar to the front door.

“Oh, there’s one more thing. The standard disclaimer, as is customary in these kind of dealings, applies. Before you think about refusing my offer or telling anyone about what I spoke about tonight, remember that the head of the Mafia wants something I have, which means my requests to him for tiny favours, however gruesome, will not be refused. So choose wisely. Unlike the three who came before you.”

Vikram was conflicted. On the one hand he would have access to enough material for at least a trilogy of crime novels, with room for a couple of prequels to be thrown in later. But what about Morphy? Could he do this to him? Was he really a potential prober of human crevices? Maybe he’d be doing mankind a favour by turning him in to the Mafia.

Lost in these thoughts, Vikram hadn’t noticed the figure that had shimmied up to his bedside in the meantime.

“Hello.” it said.

Vikram leaped up like an eager student’s hand on hearing a question he finally knows the answer to.

“Relax, Vikram. It’s just me, Morphy.” the figure chuckled.

“Why would you do something like that?!” Vikram shouted once he had managed to gather his wits again.

“I have something very important to discuss with you.”

“Why couldn’t this wait until tomorrow?”

“Because Caesar cannot come to know about it at any cost.”

“At any cost?”

“At any cost.” Morphy replied expressionlessly.

There’s that shiver up the spine again, Vikram thought.

“Go on then. Tell me what this is about.”

“You remember when Caesar and I told you about me suffering from memory loss? It’s not true. It’s a lie I tell Caesar to keep him from suspecting anything.”

“What is there to suspect?”

“Lots. I was sent to Earth by my people for a very important mission. And I need your help to complete it successfully.”

“You’ll have to tell me more.”

“Let me start at the beginning. I’m from Konnit, a planet in the Zimmer galaxy, which is about four thousand light years away from Earth. I was part of the…” Morphy suddenly broke into a coughing fit.

“Would you like a drink of water?” asked Vikram.

“That…would…be…great.” Morphy managed to eke out between his loud coughs.

Vikram got up to make his way towards the kitchen. He stayed in the kind of apartment people tend to describe as ‘small but cosy, with paper thin walls’. So thin that the neighbours could actually listen to each other’s conversations in the quiet of the night, if they really put their mind to it. In fact, Pierre, his neighbour, was awoken by the loud thud even though he was in deep slumber. He attributed it to his peculiar neighbour’s midnightly exercise routine and went right back to getting his eight hours. Vikram did not have the liberty to hear the thud, of course. He was unconscious long before his body slumped to the floor. Morphy was trained to kill a man in fifty-two different ways and to render him senseless in seventy-three. Vikram never stood a chance.

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The Novel Challenge – Chapter II


A huge thank you to everyone who took the trouble of reading the first chapter and contacted me to tell me how they felt about it! Furthermore, there haven’t been any casualties reported since I’ve posted it and incidents of eye-gouging seem to have been below the prescribed limit. So, with nervously intrepid feet – here comes the second chapter.

The Mission

“Send him in.” Goloxinout said to his secretary.

Goloxinout was in a cranky mood. Konnit’s elections were due in another millennium, which meant that he had been forced to do some actual work again. He had twenty meetings lined up in the day and wasn’t looking forward to any of them.“Good afternoon, Mr President.” the visitor said as he threw in a well practiced bow of courtesy.

“What is this about, Xylon?” Goloxinout gestured him to sit.

“We still haven’t been able to establish contact with General Wingo.”

“Ah yes, General Wingo…uh…where is he again?”

“It’s been a year minus five minutes since he set out on his mission to Earth.”

“Right, right. Th-aaat general Wingo. Of course. How does General Wingo like the place?”

“We don’t know. We lost contact with him as soon as he left our atmosphere.”

“Ah. Hate it when that happens. So you want me to name a day after him? General Wingo day? It kinda rolls off the tongue, you have to admit. Maybe a parade too..”

“All in good time Mr. President. But first, we must bring his mission to closure.”

Goloxinout groaned and braced himself. This was generally the point where Xylon gave him a long-winded ‘briefing’ and asked him to make a decision. Oh how he hated making decisions. He had become the president by religiously avoiding making them at every turn. They historically had a knack of coming back to bite him in the behind.

“General Wingo’s was no ordinary mission.” Xylon paused suddenly.

“Go on Xylon, I’m listening. What was it about?”

“Unfortunately, that’s almost all we really know about the mission.”

“All we know about the mission is that it wasn’t ordinary and that it involved General Wingo going to Earth?”

“You must understand that this mission was commissioned during the Wizium administration, Mr. President. Most of the relevant records were a casualty of the Great Digitizing Fiasco of last year.”

“The one where they shredded all the documents before scanning them?”

“That was the year before last, Mr. President.”

“Ah yes, this was the one with the Unicorn, the barrel of gunpowder and the firefly.”

“And the banjo.” added Xylon.

“Yes, the banjo. Of course. I still don’t understand why we’re talking about this mission Xylon.”

“Well, there is one more thing that we’ve been able to find out. I’ve double-checked the information and there’s no doubt about it.” Xylon added.

“What’s that?”

“The only mission guideline that we could find, explicitly states that if Captain Wingo doesn’t return or contact us in another…”, he looked at his watch and continued, “…ninety seconds, we are supposed to destroy Earth immediately.”

Their eyes darted to the clock on the desk simultaneously.

“Well, hold on a minute there, Xylon. Surely there must be someone who was part of the original mission’s planning committee who should be able to tell us what the mission is actually about?”

“They were all a casualty of the brutal military coup that immediately followed the Great Digitizing Fiasco.”

“The one that I led.”

“Yes, Mr. President.”

“Well, at least I guessed that one right.” Goloxinout said with a sheepish grin.

Their eyes darted back to the clock.

“Well, it looks like he isn’t back in time, Mr. President.” Xylon said as the clock’s hands ticked over the dreaded mark with an air of nonchalance.

Goloxinout furrowed his only brow in deep thought. He liked to think of himself as a man of peace and wiping out an entire civilization always made him feel uneasy. On the other hand, if he acted quickly, he would be able to take a quick afternoon nap before the next meeting.

“Who can take care of this for us?”

“It sounds like a job for the Uranians.”

“Where do I sign?” Goloxinout asked.

“Here, there and there.” Xylon said as he pushed an official looking piece of paper towards him.

“One more thing, Mr. President.”

“There’s more?” asked an exasperated Goloxinout.

“The deadline for announcing the nominations for the Lifetime Award For Excellence In Galactic Science is almost upon us. I’ve scrutinized the contributions and careers of all our eminent scientists and one name stands out – that of Kintonx Goulin.”

“Nominate whoever you please Xylon. I couldn’t care less. Hang on…isn’t he the time machine guy?”

“He called it The Sinetransmorgodor – after his pet dinosaur, I’m told.”

“I’ve read about him. Did he ever remember how to make another one of those contraptions?   Anyone who lays their hands on one of those would have access to insurmountable power.”

“I’m afraid the memory loss caused by his journey to the future was quite permanent. He was only ever able to create one. And the whereabouts of that machine, despite extensive search operations that have been carried out in the last few centuries, are still unknown.”

What a pity that was, sighed Goloxinout, as he stared out to the mesmerizing view of the galaxy that his cabin afforded him. He could have used it to go back and cancel all those meetings. And there were those few years when he had tried to make it as ‘Golo –the mime who talked’ that kept cropping up in the press from time to time. Yes, he could definitely have found good use for the device.

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Please share the post using the links below if you like it, so that it can reach a wider audience, and I can get some more valuable feedback. Or don’t, you’ve already done more than your share by reading this post till the end and giving me your feedback – you have given me your feedback, right? :) Thanks!

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The Novel Challenge


I’ve always loved to write. The inexplicable joy of reading your own writing a few months down the line while shaking your head in disbelief is reason enough for me.

My biggest literary undertaking began a couple of months ago when I decided to take part in the NaNoWriMo challenge. I wasn’t able to get anywhere near finishing it, but the process was a hoot-and-a-half. With encouragement from some awesome people(you know who you are!), I was able to get a miniscule portion of that story inside me, outside me, and onto the never-ending digital expanse of my word editor. Now, how’s that for imagery?

So, I give to you, humbly(with bowed head and everything) – the first chapter. Please, please, please, let me know what you think. I’ll post the second chapter next week(cue gasps!) if enough people think it’s any worth their time:

The Search

The Search

“I’m afraid there aren’t any Chefs available on such short notice” said the restaurant manager to the eager gentleman.

“Not even one?” he asked.

“I’m sorry, Sir. Not even one.”

“But I’m desperate! I really need a chef for my book!”

“Pardon me, did you say you needed one for your book?”

“Yeah, I’m writing a book – a novel if you please, which takes an in-depth look into a chef’s life gone awry. It’s gonna make me millions! Since I don’t know anything about chefs, I thought it would be nice to do a bit of research on them. You know how any writer worth his salt is supposed to research his characters to make his writing more believable? It’s called ‘getting under the skin of the character’–”

“Get out!” screamed the manager.

“Excuse me?”

“You want to hire a ‘Grandioso’ chef- one who is sought after by the biggest restaurateurs in the business, for some lousy two-bit book? It’s preposterous!”

“What? It’s not like I won’t pay him. In fact, he can have one percent of the royalties from the book sales, and an honourable mention in the book, although I can’t guarantee that I’ll use his real name. Makes it seem more mysterious, you know?”

“Security!”

“I’m going! I’m going!”

As he walked away, Vikram was still as determined as ever to get his writing career off the ground. He believed that he had found the easiest gimmick to get rich quickly – a writer was always only one best-seller away from becoming a billionaire, after all. And even though he didn’t know much about writing, he believed that ‘researching the character’ was absolutely essential. And since he was writing a mystery trilogy with a chef as its protagonist, he needed a chef!

Vikram looked around as he prodded on towards the bus stop. The street was chock-a-block with fancy restaurants with glass windows. His eyes lit up as he saw a sign on one such window. “Kitchen Help Wanted”, it read.

That amounts to a front row seat to a Chef’s performance, Vikram thought. What better place to observe a chef than in his kitchen.

“I hope you have the requisite experience for the position?” the manager asked him after the preliminaries were complete.

“I can boil eggs.” Vikram ventured.

“You’ve studied cooking at college, of course?”

“I boiled eggs when I was at college.” replied Vikram.

“I’m sorry, but you’re unsuitable–” the manager was interrupted midway by a voice from behind the kitchen door.

”Send him in,” the voice said.

“But Caesar, he doesn’t have the skills or the expe–” the manager began, but was
stopped yet again.

“Just send him in!”

“You heard the boss.” The manager shook his head and pointed Vikram towards the kitchen.

Vikram opened the kitchen door and walked in to see a man in a Chef’s hat chopping some vegetables on a slab. He strode out towards him and stuck out his hand in greeting.

“Hi, I’m Vikram. I saw your want ad outside and–”

“Tell me Vikram, can you boil eggs?”

“Done it all my life.”

“You’re hired,” Caesar said quickly.

Vikram scrutinized the kitchen. It was rectangular in shape and had cabinets at one end and washbasins at the other. A large marble slab encircled a pillar in the centre of the room where the major cooking-related activities seemed to take place. A bunch of wires were plugged into a switchboard near the washbasins. The other end of the wires vanished under a door to the side.

“Where is the rest of the staff?” Vikram enquired, looking around at the empty kitchen.

“What staff?” Caesar said distantly. He seemed to be busy scribbling in a small notebook he had just taken out.

“The cooking staff. You couldn’t possibly run a restaurant kitchen with just two people, can you?”

“Oh, we manage to get by.” His scribbling intensified.

“How?” asked a bewildered Vikram.

“I suppose I’d better tell you all.”

Caesar walked across the room to the door and opened it. Vikram followed him and peered inside with anticipation.

Vikram tried to make sense of what Caesar was pointing at, but all he could see in the room was a bed. A pretty bed. A pretty pink bed covered with yellow polka dots. A pretty pink bed covered with yellow polka dots that was nailed to the ceiling. He was about to utter a bunch of words in Caesar’s direction, mostly beginning with ‘wh-’, but he had to stop himself. It had come to his sudden notice that the bed had turned into a human form and had floated down to face him. Caesar thought for a moment, decided that no answer from Caesar would be good enough for him at this point, and promptly fainted.

When Vikram came to, he found himself lying on a bed in an unfamiliar room. He tried to recollect how he got there. He looked down at the bed and thought that it reminded him of something but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He shrugged his shoulders and closed his eyes to go back to sleep. After all, he was tired and the bed was really comfortable. It wasn’t just comfortable, he thought, it was in fact the most comfortable bed he had ever slept on. He was making a mental note to go and seek out the owner post-nap and find out where he could buy himself one, when he remembered.

Caesar heard the loud shriek followed by the even louder banging on the guest room door. He allowed himself a little smile before turning to his companion. “He’s up. Let’s get ourselves introduced.”

His companion floated mistily to the drawing room door and waited patiently as Caesar opened the door and asked Vikram to calm down. He wondered if Vikram would be able to help Caesar out. But then he remembered the others that had come before him. This would end the same way too, he thought. Horribly.

“Morphy, meet Vikram. Vikram, meet Morphy,” Caesar said with every bit of nonchalance he could muster. He always enjoyed these first meetings.

“What is tha-that thing?” squeaked Vikram, as he pointed an accusing finger at Morphy.

“He’s an alien. And stop pointing, it’s rude.” Caesar slapped Vikram’s hand down.

“Nice to meet you, Vikram,” said Morphy.

“Uh,likewise,” was all Vikram could manage to splutter out.

“Maybe you should sit down.”

Vikram looked at the bed nervously.

“Don’t worry, that one’s just a plain old regular bed.” Caesar chuckled.

Reluctant, Vikram sat on the bed. I won’t able to trust any beds for a while, he thought, but was immediately conscious of what an absurd fear that was and tried to compose himself. He looked up at the alien and studied him properly for the first time. Morphy wasn’t very tall, in fact he was probably a few inches shorter than him. He had an perfect, round face and an even more perfect spherical nose to complement it. The other ‘human’ features were pretty run-of-the-mill too. He was dressed in a simple but smart striped t-shirt and long oxymoronic shorts. Morphy could almost have passed as one of us, Vikram thought, if he didn’t have just one eye. Of course, there was also the small matter of his skin being pink and yellow polka dotted and the fact that he can float.

Vikram was trying to sift through his limited encounters with science-fiction novels to remember whether Martians were supposed to be green or pink, when his thoughts were interrupted by Caesar.

“Let me try to tell you all. Again. Please try not to pass out this time.”

“It all started on April 20th, 2054. It was a bright and stormy night. With a full moon which was the cause of the brightness. I think I also saw a shooting star or two go by. Great set up, right?” Caesar began.

Vikram nodded.

“Yes, it was. I should have known something big was going to happen to me that night. I was engrossed in perfecting my signature recipes when I heard something crash… wait, this doesn’t feel right. A story like this deserves to be told–nay, experienced–better! Morphy, prepare the time machine! We’ll let Vikram see the events as they transpired that night in their full glory: in person.”

“I’m afraid the Sinetransmorgodor, or what you call the ‘time machine’, did not survive the milkshake incident. And since I cannot contact my planet anymore, the only recourse for us is to wait until your people invent inter-planetary travel so that I can ask the manufacturers to deliver the spare parts here.”

“How long will it take for us to invent it again?” Caesar asked with hopeful eyes.

“The same time as when I told you last. Five hundred and twenty-four more years.” Morphy said, glowering at Caesar. Vikram couldn’t help thinking that it was an impressive feat to achieve so effectively with a solitary eye.

“Don’t look at me like that! How was I to know that your alien technology is so susceptible to milk-based drinks? And why don’t they have a service centre in this part of the solar system? They’re the people you should be mad at!” said Caesar.

“You guys have a time machine?” Vikram asked.

“Where were we?” said Caesar, changing the subject. “Ah yes, the crash. It wasn’t very loud. I don’t think anyone except me heard it. I went to the back of the restaurant to investigate anyway. I opened the rear door to a sight out of a science-fiction movie. The entire area was covered in smoke and there was a small crater in the backyard. In the middle of that crater, lay what looked like a spaceship – black, orb-shaped, with smoke coming out of its various crevices.”

“It was a spaceship,” Morphy interjected.

“I’m telling it. Let me tell it my way!”

“All right. Go ahead.”

“In the middle of the crater was a spaceship,” continued Caesar while scowling at Morphy. “and before I could do anything, a small door slid open on one side, and a mysterious misty figure stumbled out of it.” Caesar paused for effect.

“It was me,” said Morphy.

“Why did you have to ruin it? Why?” thundered Caesar.

“It’s okay. I kinda guessed it was him anyway. Please continue.” Vikram tried to calm him down.

“Anyone else in my position might have been scared on seeing an alien walk up to them, but I stood my ground. He looked and walked kind of funny – in a sinister manner.” Caesar continued.

“I had just crash landed on an alien planet after travelling for days, maybe even months. I was tired and disoriented.” said Morphy.

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t get your antennae in a bunch.”

“I don’t have antennae! Are you blind? I’ve warned you about the stereotyping before. If you do that again, I’ll–”

“What happened next?” Vikram intervened before the argument could escalate any further.

“I asked E.T. here where he came from. At which point he mumbled something incoherent and passed out. I had to drag his scrawny alien body inside and wait for him to come to. I kept expecting a knock on the restaurant door from someone in the government or the neighbouring establishments, but no one came. Luckily it was almost closing time and I didn’t have any customers to worry about.”

“By that logic, it’s always closing time here.” Morphy winked at Caesar, or he may have just blinked his eye. It was hard for Vikram to tell.

Caesar pretended not to hear the jibe and continued. “When he finally came to, after zoning out for a few hours, I tried to find out where he was from and what he was doing here. I was surprised to find that he could understand and speak English pretty well and–”

“It’s not that hard. My planet’s language had one million, five hundred and twenty eight thousand, three-hundred and twenty-eight consonants and vowels at last count. And I’m sure a few hundred thousand must have been added since I’ve lost contact. I was easily able to master hundreds of your languages, if you can call them that, during the journey.” Morphy said. “Oh, and I wasn’t mumbling incoherently before I passed out, that was Kannada – I was very well prepared.”

“You learned English and Kannada and hundreds of other languages during the journey. Right. That is, if you remember that part of the journey correctly, and I doubt you do.”

“Why do you say that?” asked Vikram.

“He says that because he’s a jerk, and also because I seem to be suffering from what you call short-term memory loss. I suspect it may be because of something that happened during the journey, but I can’t be sure.”

“Oh, how bad is it?” asked Vikram.

“He can’t even remember why he came to our planet.”

“All I remember is that I’m on an extremely confidential mission and my presence must not be detected at any cost. At any cost whatsoever.”

Vikram felt a small shiver down his spine as he heard that even though there wasn’t a hint of malice evident on Morphy’s face.

“You still haven’t answered my original question.” Vikram turned to Caesar.

“Ah, yes. How do we manage without any staff, you ask? We manage because no customer has set foot in this restaurant for weeks. Not since that cretin, Lily Legume, wrote that scathing review of my restaurant in her Bestaurant Guide.” Caesar clenched his fists. “Oh, how I despise that woman.”

“But, if there aren’t any customers, why did you hire me? How do I fit into all this?”

“Very snugly, Vikram. Very snugly.”

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Please share the post using the links below if you like it, so that it can reach a wider audience, and I can get some more valuable feedback. Or don’t, you’ve already done more than your share by reading this post till the end and giving me your feedback – you have given me your feedback, right? :) Thanks!

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DKIA: Wooing a girl with poetry and a lesson in airplane safety


Welcome to yet another edition of Dear Know-it-all(DKIA) – the place where I heal the world one question at a time. Our first question today comes from a lucky someone who’s found his soulmate but is a tad apprehensive about how to approach her:

Dear Know-it-all,

I’m in love. I knew that she was the one as soon as I landed on her Facebook profile. She was a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. It was like we were meant to be together. The other three women I was stalking on Twitter and Foursquare paled in comparison. I knew that I couldn’t just send her any old introductory message. So, I toiled, and I toiled and then I toiled some more, then slept for a while, and then there was some more toiling until I came up with this:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I wanna makes,
Fraanship with you.

What do you think?

- Desperately hers

Dear desperately hers,

I must confess that I like your style. There are only two ways to woo a girl – the way of the gentleman and the way of the creep. I like how you’ve honed in on the latter perfectly. Let’s face it, it’s much less work. Imagine bending down to lay your jacket in every Bangalore puddle you come across in this rain! And let’s not forget those skyrocketing dry cleaning bills.

I love the poem. Just one minor bit of feedback – violets aren’t really blue, they’re violet.

Ah, true love! I’m always happy to help it along. Our second question was called-in via phone by someone who has complete disregard for the law:

Dear Know-it-all,

I am currently travelling from Mumbai to Delhi by air for the first time. Midway into the flight, the pilot started telling us about the weather outside and the route that he was going to take. A quick check on my phone(luckily I had the required maps offline because it failed to connect to the internet) revealed that it was a very roundabout way of getting there. I quickly waved the air-hostess over with my phone and asked her to tell the pilot to turn the plane around. She stared at me with a look of horror, screamed something about it being every man for himself and jumped out of the plane with her parachute.  Now one emergency landing later, I find myself alone in the plane and the authorities seem to be on their way.  So, I’m calling you to ask what just happened?

- flying newbie

Dear flying newbie,

This’ll teach you to pay attention to the air-hostess when she makes her safety announcements. Studies have shown that mobile phones in airplanes are the biggest cause of airplane crashes, way ahead of pilots doing wheelies after playing beer pong and the riots resulting from the airline running out of vegetarian meals. I hope they lock you up and throw away the key.

Such irresponsible behaviour always gets under my skin!

Well, that’s it for another edition of DKIA, try not to do anything stupid before I return. And if you do, please keep it to yourselves.

 

Technorati code: EHWYV9NWMB74

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Dear Know-it-all – Summarising Shakespeare’s comedies and the perils of eloping


Hi there. Welcome to yet another edition of Dear know-it-all. The column where I try to pretend to give a damn about your various ‘problems’. Luckily, I’m getting pretty good at it. The first question for today is something I often wonder about, before going to sleep everyday too:

Dear know-it-all,

What is the gist of all of Shakespeare’s comedies? Please summarize in 300 words.

- it’s due tomorrow

Dear it’s due tomorrow,

Look under your bed for me, will you? See that brown paper bag? Pick it up. There should be an envelope inside that. Found it? Good. Now open it with your hands. Yes, it’s empty. But wait a little while.

Just a little longer.

A little more.

That should be long enough. Do you feel a sharp pain in your palms? Yeah, that’s because of the poison the envelope was laced with. You have 20 minutes to reach the hospital. Good luck.

Oh, and never send me your homework questions. It upsets me.

P.S.: You have a nice house.

P.P.S.: Don’t use your car. I think you have four flat tires. And the brake fluid may be missing.

He’ll be okay. The hospital is only 19 minutes away from his place. The next question comes from a woman with a sadly all-too-common yet heart-wrenching story:

Dear know-it-all,

I’ve been in a relationship with my friendly neighbourhood druglord for the last 3 years. He is also from a different caste and community. We had decided to elope last week after confessing our love to my parents. Imagine my shock when my parents accepted my boyfriend with open arms.  I had planned the elopement with great detail and was looking forward to the excitement, drama and controversy. The airline refused to refund my bookings too. How could my parents do this to me? What should I do next?

- nowhere to run

Dear nowhere to run,

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. I know how much effort goes into planning and organizing a successful elopement. Parents sometimes forget how it feels to be young and in love. I would advise you to try and highlight your boyfriend’s various vices to them at any given opportunity and hope that they eventually come around. It would help if he can show them the impact that he has on society every single day. These things take time though and will require you to be patient. If all else fails, you should contact the local branch of your city’s moral police and ask them to intervene. They will surely help turn your parents/society against you two. All the best and do keep us posted.

It’s such a shame that this kind of stuff still happens in our country in this day and age. Oh well, that’s it for another edition of Dear know-it-all. It’s always a pleasure to answer your questions. Please keep sending them in. Remember, we only accept telegrams now.

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Dear Know-it-all – The accent and changes to RTI


It’s time for another edition of your beloved column. Let’s face it, you can’t really do without me. I should probably check to see if I can claim this column as a tax deduction under 80C.

Our first question comes from a gullible reader who has fallen prey to yet another Internet hoax:

Dear Know-it-all,

I went to the movies with my friends today. We only had two options at our local theater – The Conjuring and Chennai Express. Since we were in the mood for some scares, we chose to see Chennai Express. I recently received a forwarded email which mentioned that anything Deepika says in her Tamil accent, when played backwards, reveals Satanic messages which affect the viewers subliminally. Is that true?

- living in fear

Dear living in fear,

Don’t be silly. It’s common knowledge that you don’t need to play her dialogues backwards to hear those messages.

It’s like no one has even heard of snopes. The next question comes from a self-proclaimed Indian patriot. Yeah, one of those guys:

Dear know-it-all,

Why is the government trying to push the changes to the RTI act? Does it think that all Indians are idiots and will let them do it?

- A true patriot.

Dear true patriot,

I don’t know about other Indians being idiots, but you certainly are one. Can’t you see that the call for amendments to the act has finally united all the political parties to fight for a common cause? Even the Independence Day speeches could not do that. I say it’s absolutely worth it even if takes a Right To Information Pact(see what I did there?) to get them to act together for once.

Dear Know-it-all,

I’ve heard rumours that the recent cricket series between India and Zimbabwe was fixed. Was it?

- A cricket fan

Dear cricket fan,

You’re right, that series was fixed. But now how you think – there were no towels or other signalling infrastructure involved. After making some detailed inquiries which included some frenzied Googling and asking Prabhakar to shoot some grainy videos, I’ve come to the inevitable conclusion – all the games were computer generated by the BCCI(I think Randy may be involved too). Now before you dismiss my claim citing the Law of Averages(even I have to be wrong one day), just answer the following question – have you ever met anyone who has claimed to have seen that particular series in person or on television? Exactly. Also, repeated attempts to get any information from Kohli who was the ‘captain’ for this ‘series’ were met with non-committal responses like ‘Who are you and what have you done to the real milkman?’ and ‘What are you doing inside my fridge?’ and ‘No, I will not give you my autograph on that!’ I rest my case.

That’s it for yet another edition. Just remember what a wise person once said before hitting that send button - ‘There’s no such thing as a stupid question, only stupid people who ask said questions.’

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Dear Know-it-all – Telangana concerns and trekking in the Himalayas


Most of you ignored the plea I made in the previous edition to stop sending me your questions. But since all of you obviously need my help really badly, I have relented to answer some more in this edition.

Our first question comes from a student who’s very worried about the recent decision of the government to doodle on the political map of the country:

Dear Know-it-all,

I’ve been having sleepless nights ever since I’ve heard about the Telangana split. How will I ever be able to memorize the names of all the states for my exams?

- A concerned student

Dear concerned student,

I’m amazed by the frivolity of your question and refuse to dignify it with a response. You are obviously not aware of the gravity of the issue that the government is trying to address here. With the recent exit of the Pune and Kochi teams, the next edition of the IPL will only last about half a year at best. The government has done the only responsible thing it could have by investing in the future of the IPL by implementing a policy of carving out new states every few months. Please think things through before sending such ignorant questions in the future.

Sometimes one just has to be firm. Oh well. The next question comes from a software engineer who has good taste in idols but is obviously deranged:

Dear Know-it-all,

I’m bored of my monotonous life and would like to live dangerously for a while like my idol Steven Segal. I’m planning to try and climb Mt. Everest next month. I’ve never actually climbed any mountains before though. In fact, I’ve never even climbed a tree. But I’m sure that it’ll be much more exciting than spending the entire day on Facebook and WhatsApp. What do you think?

- Bored software engineer with too much money

Dear bored software engineer with too much money,

I would strongly advise against doing something so impulsive and dangerous. Getting off Facebook for such a long time is something that should only be attempted by trained professionals and under appropriate supervision.

That’s it for this edition of Dear know-it-all. Remember, if you have a question, you can always Google the answer without bothering me with it.

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Politicians ridiculed for thali-gate awarded honorary Doctorates, forgive nation for outrage


Technorati code: EHWYV9NWMB74

Mumbai, 29th July 2013.

In a surprising turn of events, the two politicians involved in thali-gate have gone from being the butt of a nation’s jokes, to being international heroes. The Indian Institute of Physics(IIP) announced in a press conference today that they have decided to confer an honorary doctorate in Physics to Raj Babbar and Rashid Masood for their discovery of time portals.

An artist’s rendition of what the entrance to the time portals might look like

“I’ve been having meals for Rs. 12 in Mumbai for as long as I could remember and was completely taken aback by the nation’s outrage at my statement. When Dr. Masood mentioned his 5-Rupee meals in Delhi I knew that something wasn’t quite right. While discussing the issue over our favourite TV show, Dr. Who, it suddenly hit us! We had stumbled upon time portals and had been eating at restaurants in the past. It was so obvious we were surprised that we hadn’t noticed it earlier. We contacted the IIP with our theory, and they confirmed it soon after. The doctorate was a pleasant surprise.” Dr. Babbar explained.

“We were very excited when Dr. Babbar told us the theory and immediately dispatched two of our best physicists to the locations. The results clearly proved that they had stumbled upon time portals, leading to the past, in Delhi and Mumbai. All this while, they had been eating at restaurants in 1943 and 1952 respectively. ” Dr. Jain(the dean of IIP) said.

“The last week has been very traumatic for both of us. I think the McBabbar jokes on Twitter were in bad taste and were very hard to digest for Dr. Babbar. Things had gotten so bad that we had to avoid walking past dark alleys for fear of being pounced upon by an answer-demanding Arnab Goswami. Some people would say that the nation owes us an apology, but we have chosen to forgive and forget.” a relieved Dr. Masood said.

Asked for his reaction to the confirmation of the discovery, Dr. Babbar said, “It was overwhelming relief followed by a sense of overwhelming responsibility. We could have kept the discovery to ourselves, but I immediately told IIP that we had to share it with the world. Babbar likes to sher, I said. Heh, Heh.”

The party celebrated by having a Rs. 2599(inclusive of taxes) buffet at the Taj. When asked why they couldn’t have catered the meal from the time portals, the spokesperson replied, “The one in Delhi is only active from 6-10 PM and we couldn’t find any volunteers to venture out on Delhi’s streets at that hour. And unfortunately, the one at Mumbai is submerged under water for the foreseeable future.”

Disclaimer: The entire article is a work of fiction. Delhi’s streets are only unsafe post 7 PM.

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Dear Know-it-all – Crossing the road in Bangalore and rotating cricketers


This blog has been brought out of incidental retirement to address a growing concern – ‘the large number of growing concerns that everyone has’. It’s no secret that I have a reputation of being somewhat of a problem-solver amongst my readers. I don’t know why that is, but it gives me a plausible reason to start what I call the ‘Dear Know-it-all’ section of the blog. So if you have any questions, concerns, problems, etc., please make sure you don’t send them to me because I have a huge backlog.

Our first question comes from a long term reader who’s promised to stop sending me videos of cats if I help him out:

Dear Know-it-all,

I have recently moved to Bangalore and am having a very difficult time crossing the road due to the maddening traffic. This results in me reaching my office late and in turn making my boss look reproachfully in my direction. What should I do?

Regards,

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Now, contrary to popular belief, crossing a road in Bangalore is not science, it’s an art. Look left, right, look left again, pray for strength, walk, jump over the open manhole, wave at the good man in the car to stop (his car, not his phone call), run, swerve right, swerve left, swerve right again, wave at the good man on the bike to stop(from doing wheelies and his bike), execute a triple twist, double spin somersault over the people coming from the other end and you’re done! Your mileage may vary.

Next up is someone with excellent taste and a question of national importance:

Dear Know-it-all,

One of my most favourite things to do(besides refreshing your site’s homepage) is watching cricket. The recent rotation policy has drawn a lot of criticism from everyone. What is your opinion on this?

Regards,

Your biggest fan!

Dear my biggest fan,

The rotation policy is obviously a Greg Chappell led conspiracy aimed at getting back at Sourav Ganguly. I tell all about it in my upcoming controversial tell-all book – ’24 ways to make pasta healthier’. In the meantime, I’ll just ask you this – have you ever seen Dhoni and Chappell together in the same room at the same time? I didn’t think so!

Until next time, this is your ever-humble know-it-all, signing out!

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What’s on your mind?


Everyone knows that their status does not matter online. They’re wrong. Your status has never been more important. No, I don’t mean your ‘social status’ – no one cares about that stuff. It’s your ‘social networking status’ that can make or break you in this big, bad online world.

Every morning a Facebook user gets up, he’s faced with the inescapable question – ‘what’s on your mind?’ Research suggests that the average social networking user updates his status 384 times a day (our research is carried out by my random number generator, I call him Randy, so I generally give it a margin of error of 0.5 to 1%). If you don’t want to be a social pariah, you should be doing the same. But make no mistake, just any old status message will not do – it has to be original too. I know of a person who just couldn’t think of any new witty status updates and in a moment of desperation, recycled an older status message of his. Suffice to say, he lost his job, his wife took the kids and left him, and all his online friends banned him. He was last seen looking for new friends in the real world – it was all very sad.

So, how are some people able to come up with one interesting status after the other, while some can’t go beyond ‘just took so-and-so quiz’ messages? Is it because they lead more interesting lives you ask? Nope! It’s because they’ve read my latest book – ‘How to Update your Status and Win Friends’. Unfortunately, my publisher went bankrupt so you can’t really find that literary gem anywhere. Don’t worry though, I’ve decided to summarize the book and share the essential teachings with you right here, for free:

1. Choose the right words: Don’t say ‘I like oranges.’ Say ‘Anyone who doesn’t like oranges is an idiot!’ instead.
2. Massage the truth a little: Don’t say ‘Scratched myself in front of the telly all day.’ Say ‘Training to climb Mt. Everest.’ instead.
3. Sensationalize: Don’t say ‘Dropped my pencil.’ Say ‘I may never be able to write again!’ instead.
4. Cheat: Pick something from here.

Those are all the tips I had – it was a very thin book. Use them wisely.

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